Our Solar System
By Pegasus ("Who else?")
Hi, boys and girls of all ages! Today Uncle Pegasus is going to edjumucate you about the ever expanding solar system in which we live. So PAY ATTENTION, ‘cause there’ll be a test at the end!!
The solar system has gone Disney! From Mars to new asteroids, we’ve really taken a dive into deep space this time. Mars now has an erector set named “Rover” sniffing out rocks and other potential urinary receptacles which have been assigned official scientific technical titles, like “Barnacle Bill,” “Yogi,” “Mermaid,” “Lamb,” “Piglet” and “Pooh Bear.” Good gravity...
Now I ask you: would you name your bumps, protrusions, warts and zits, cutesy little names like that??? Would ANY self-respecting planet be caught eclipsed with a little critter like that running around on its skin? Certainly not! It’s a little like putting Star Trek’s Lieutenant Worf in a tutu and asking him to sing “Melancholy Baby!” (Of course, Worf is such a Plutonian character, he may be hiding some secrets behind closed doors...)
It must be because Mars was in Libra through this whole ordeal. Libra’s goal in life is to castrate Mars and make him smell pretty and look “nice.” YUCK!!! And that Rover must tickle as it’s crawling slowly across his belly. Can you imagine Mars giggling?? What humiliation! Good thing Mars will descend into Scorpio on August 14 (1997) — let’s hope he gives these Earthlings a swift kick in the Barsoom for their trouble!
And get this — they call the spacecraft, that brought the little gadfly, “Pathfinder!” Can you imagine?? Humans couldn’t find their way out of a supernova with a pulsar beacon!
Now, on top of all this, Humans have discovered a new asteroid, which they have imaginatively named Asteroid (3753) 1986 TO. (And you thought "Pegasus" was weird.) This little nipper plays hide and seek with Earth – in its own orbit, no less! Smart trick — I must remember that one; it’ll drive the UFOlogists loopy! (hee-hee)
This loony lodestone is both attracted to and repelled by Earth. (I know just how it feels...) As soon as it starts to catch up to Earth it double-clutches, changes lanes like a drunk driver, and squeals away in the other direction. Its orbit isn’t circular or oval, but kidney bean shaped! Hey—WOULD I LIE TO YOU??? Well, ya probably, but not this time!
So this wee bit o’ grit plays loop-the-loop in Earth’s orbit. (Hmmm... Seems I’ve got competition as Sky Pilot Extraordinaire...) This is gonna drive the astrology teachers bonzo. Up until now, they had to carefully explain to their students that “Retrograde planets don’t really go backwards; it just looks backwards from Earth’s viewpoint.” (Don’t get me started...) But how are they gonna explain this one?! Tee-hee, I think I’ll sit in and heckle at my pet Human’s next Beginner Class...
Back to this weird boomerang toss. Even its sense of time is tangled. It takes about one Earth-year for our Pet Rock to do this come-hither-get-lost mating ritual, but it takes 285 years for it to completely circle the Sun. (?!) Talk about indecisive procrastination! I guess with all those kidney bean spirals, it takes that long to get rid of the gas.
Even though the little fart was first spotted back on October 10, 1986, its bizarre behaviour wasn’t detected until early this year (1997) by three researchers (two from Canada’s own York University in Toronto —YAAYYY!!!— and the other from the University of Turku in Finland). Our wee rose is a bit of a late bloomer, n’est pas?
Now: according to the York University website (where I found most of this blither), our little meandering marble goes in what is called a “horseshoe orbit,” for obvious reasons. However, I wish to state for the record, on behalf of all Equestrian Personages, that this phreaky phenomenon has NOTHING whatsoever to do with horseshoes! In fact, any self-respecting stud (okay, okay, mares too...) wouldn’t be caught DEAD in horseshoes! I always go "au naturel." Horseshoes are for geldings, nags and domesticated ponies. Hrmph!!
And I’m miffed that no astrologer has bothered to translate the astronomy-type ephemeris into Astrologese. I wanna know where my 3753-Mercurious midpoint is in my 11th harmonic chart, and I wanna know NOW!! In any case, our tag-along toddler is supposed to do a “near-Earth fly-by” around November 25 this year (1997), so maybe we’ll get more dirt on it — er, about it. Until then, learn to appreciate Mercury when he goes retrograde — remember, it could be worse!!
© 1997, 2004 Wendy Guy; all rights reserved. This article was originally published in the Summer Solstice 1997 issue of Transitions Astrology Magazine.